Don’t be a chill host: why I’m only offering Dry Retreats

Dry retreats + Setting Expectations

I co-led my first international retreat in Panama, 2018, at a posh surf resort. We were greeted with fresh hibiscus washcloths and welcome cocktails right off the shuttle. While stunning and refreshing, it set the tone immediately. For the next week I rarely saw anyone without a drink in their hand, myself included.

Part of me wanted to celebrate the fact that I had pulled off my first international retreat, so yes! A drink (or two) was in order! I didn’t yet have the confidence to try and lead people towards an alternative pathway. The rubber met the road when folks started to bring their wine and beer into the yoga shala for our evening restorative classes, which a twisting in my gut told me wasn’t right. As a 25 year old retreat leader, I wanted to strike this balance between being cool/ laid back, but also didn’t want to come across as a narc. So I didn’t clearly establish an expectation, which meant people were free to establish their own, even if they were in open disharmony with each other on an all expenses paid vacation.

Fast forward to my Mexico City retreat in Fall of ‘22. I guided 27 people to mighty CDMX for the Dia De Muertos celebrations. While I thought I had set a clear enough boundary by telling folks to enjoy beverages during their vacation while also being respectful, I yet again made the mistake of not explicitly creating the container of expectation. Our last night of the retreat was spent at the historic Zocalo square, admiring the festival of La Catrina. One half of the group passed around a bottle of tequila, celebrating with abandon! The other half was clearly uncomfortable, annoyed, and resentful of the dissonance in the group dynamic. And I really understood both perspectives in the group, but it was too late to strike a harmony.

By winter of ‘23, I was getting a BIT warmer.

I lead a cozy, Slow Living retreat in Grand Lake, CO for 14 career driven women. The essence of the retreat was to support these women in slowing down and aligning their nervous systems to a restorative pace, even for just 3 days.

Apart from a very intentional wine tasting led by my amazing friend and wine conosseur Sara Chaplin, I asked everyone to remain alcohol free. (I highly recommend Sara for private, high quality wine tastings!)

It went so well, and we were on such good behavior, that on the last night I loosened up and decided we could enjoy a few glasses of the leftover wine with dinner. Lo and behold, it got rowdy, loud, and divisive for the few that were really enjoying the sober experience.

Every retreat leader is different, and many of them have more of a “leave it up to chance” style. I get it! Your guests are investing in your retreat + their own vacation, so how bad could a couple drinks be?

The issue isn’t the drinking per se- it’s the not following through with your purpose.

A good host, leader, guide, etc. will always clearly hold expectations and containers, from beginning to end. They have a clear purpose, and have no issue holding the form of the container so their guests don’t have to. In my prior examples you can see how I kind of let it go towards the end, always with the same result: divison of the group.

My business ethos is unique because it thrives on the foundation of community and the shared experience. So for my trauma informed events, dissonance is blood in the water. And alcohol loves to create varied, unpredictable experiences within a group.

I am fresh off the heels of my most recent summer retreat, which took place at the Royal Gorge Yurt ranch in Canon City, CO. This one was 100% alcohol free, and I held that expectation clearly and confidently. I told my guests that they were free to enjoy tobacco, marijuana, and other medicines that were supportive to their experience; but I asked that they keep our shared space a sober one. When I was able to hold that boundary simply and clearly, everyone relaxed within it. It was a no brainer, and a few folks told me they were relieved that it just wasn’t on the table. Sometimes people need that guidance to take a much needed break.

My guests slept deeper, had great energy all weekend, and went back into their worlds feeling fully nourished and revitalized (a success for Grounding Down’s mission!)

I love to enjoy alcoholic beverages here and there. Key word: enjoy. There’s a difference between consciously enjoying your drink vs. compulsive social drinking as a way to engage. I like to observe the fine line between the two by curating spaces that remove it altogether.

So much of what I’ve learned about gathering, I’ve learned through making valuable mistakes. I have also so loved reading The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker, who read me to filth with her chapter “Don’t be a Chill Host.”

When you’re stepping into the role of facilitation of ANY space, you are stepping into a leadership role, whether you like it or not. You are centering yourself as the authority, the point person, and the comfort zone of neutrality for your guests. So if you have an idea, boundary, expectation, or group dynamic that you want to fight for, get in the ring! Preserve it, hold it, and don’t shy away from being the sturdy trunk.

Your guests will be grateful, and it builds confidence in your leadership :)